Recently, my very close cousin were talking about what we want to be when we grow up. We've grown up together ever since, he's like my brother, my twin, and my best friend. It was different for me, just sitting down and talking to each other about life, and life after High School. He's a senior, he told me all his plans for the future, and he also gave me advice to what Senior year will come about. Whenever, I hear him coming over to my house, I first think, 'Oh my god,' almost like a disgust but, right when I see him I am more thrilled than ever. Seeing that he's grown into his own person, I still look at him as we were kids playing in the backyard.
It makes me want to cry how much we both grown. When he graduates, I'll be sure to cry my eyes out. Just thinking about the future for a split second scares me, but it also excites me. When I started to see what growing up truly looks like it is fascinating and almost beautiful. You will never realize the transition until its over.
In the past month observing my grandma and her mood swings and dramatic changes was an amusing experience to watch, but another person has caught my attention recently. It was my uncle, my grandma's son, my mother's older brother. My uncle is that Uncle Joe in the family, the funny and over-protective uncle, the uncle that always starts the speeches and ends them, an uncle that's always the center of attention. But always has a soft spot, love able and caring. If you don't have an uncle like that in the family, well then I don't know.
HOWEVER, My Uncle was visiting other families across the country but now has returned, when my Uncle came back he wasn't the loud obnoxious Uncle that I knew, he was calm and was always lost in thought and kept he's thoughts to himself. He always wore his headphones in.
I don't know if its me, but when I'm feeling down, I always have the need to sing. Not the kind you do in the shower, but the one where you want to pick the saddest playlist on your ipod and just listen and let your thoughts run deeply, and maybe let a few or maybe gallons of tears fall.
When I was observing my uncle in the last week, he told me that he was distressed, couldn't sleep anymore and didn't have the appetite to eat.
One night, he told my cousin and I, what was on his mind, he didn't leave out any details, he was so powerful with his words. The reason he was like how he was, was because his heart was broken. He didn't vaguely say that he was broken, or wounded, but the emotion in his shakey voice was all I heard. After, listening to his misery and torture, makes me feel uneasy, seeing a family member in pain is the worst feeling. Relating to my uncle's pain takes me back to when I was in the same situation. A dark place where no one should ever go, but only visit.
Multiple times, I think of bad memories and sad moments, where I cringe and beat myself up for thinking of which ever worst memory I had thought of, and I regret it eveytime I think of it. Watching my uncle shows how long that pain will last, whether he puts on a brave face or mope in his room, while singing his heart out to love songs.
He told me, "It hurts here and all in here fucking hurts." He pointed to his head first then his heart and left his hand there. I wonder what best memory he has of her, 'cause I know what memory comes to mind when I'm feeling down.
No comments:
Post a Comment