Momma, Hold my hand

For me: first impressions are what I look into mostly. I think first impressions are powerful, either you trust them or you don't. 
In the past week, I met some one and immediately I fell in love with this person, not literally though. He was quite beautiful, not physically. We would make tiny jokes here and there, and once we started talking intensely, he had the power to make me trust him, the way I would trust some one for years and years, but he had black magic that made me want to foolishly lay out on the table. He was so fascinated, eager and almost manipulating. As I tell him everything without leaving any detail out. He gave me one of the best answers that I've never heard of or even believe of thinking of. He didn't give up trying to impress me or himself. He almost felt too comfortable, giving me advice and telling me what he would do in my shoes. He listened and I spoke. Then, I listened and he spoke. I wasn't best at giving my opinions like he would. I think he knew I wasn't as good as he was, yet he still trusted me with his secrets. But, I did the best I could. I told him, I write letters to myself and he said,"well write out your regular letters, and let me have it." 
Until this day, I've never seen him again, and I still haven't written a letter to him. I was so afraid to write for the first time. 

In the week, a close relative and I haven't completely had a full introduction BUT, finally met and sat down and talked. It was one of the best heart felt conversations, I've had and needed. I am telling you first impressions and communication are key when it comes to new faces. Anyways she and I had a conversation about both our families. I told her about my grandma and she told me the same thing about her parents. Hearing the same thing from other people such as, "you're growing up and young: your parents will understand," that same conversation is annoying once you've heard it a thousand times already but, for some reason when she was telling me the exact same story, it was different hearing it coming from her. She said, "You know you're absolutely   right, but what I'm saying is that you need to learn from right and wrong and stop yourself from the bad, and go with the good. When you're older no one will be there to hold your hand and cross the street and tell you which way to go, you need to hold yourself up and tell yourself where will you go and which way you choose to go. It's your choice." When she said that, all I thought about was my grandma and all the times she yelled at me in slow motion. One night, when I went out late, my grandma had a talk with me it wasn't about getting lectured it was about how much she loves me. She doesn't usually say things like that not even on the phone when we hang up. It opened my eyes how much a parents comment or compliment negative or positive changes how you feel overall, its a boost of energy kind of feeling. I've never been happier having a connection with my mama. She gives me strength and I hope I do for her.

Life is a garden, dig it!

I've always felt sorry for October, because right after is Thanksgiving then Christmas, its my favorite time of the year. Amongst the past Christmases and Thanksgivings, I think this year will be different. This year is full of changes and differences, personally. I know its not the end of the year, but I have a feeling that this year will be one of the best years for my family. good vibes 

Recently, my very close cousin were talking about what we want to be when we grow up. We've grown up together ever since, he's like my brother, my twin, and my best friend. It was different for me, just sitting down and talking to each other about life, and life after High School. He's a senior, he told me all his plans for the future, and he also gave me advice to what Senior year will come about. Whenever, I hear him coming over to my house, I first think, 'Oh my god,' almost like a disgust but, right when I see him I am more thrilled than ever. Seeing that he's grown into his own person, I still look at him as we were kids playing in the backyard.
It makes me want to cry how much we both grown. When he graduates, I'll be sure to cry my eyes out. Just thinking about the future for a split second scares me, but it also excites me. When I started to see what growing up truly looks like it is fascinating and almost beautiful. You will never realize the transition until its over. 

In the past month observing my grandma and her mood swings and dramatic changes was an amusing experience to watch, but another person has caught my attention recently. It was my uncle, my grandma's son, my mother's older brother. My uncle is that Uncle Joe in the family, the funny and over-protective uncle, the uncle that always starts the speeches and ends them, an uncle that's always the center of attention. But always has a soft spot, love able and caring. If you don't have an uncle like that in the family, well then I don't know. 
HOWEVER, My Uncle was visiting other families across the country but now has returned, when my Uncle came back he wasn't the loud obnoxious Uncle that I knew, he was calm and was always lost in thought and kept he's thoughts to himself. He always wore his headphones in. I wonder what he's listening to?
I don't know if its me, but when I'm feeling down, I always have the need to sing. Not the kind you do in the shower, but the one where you want to pick the saddest playlist on your ipod and just listen and let your thoughts run deeply, and maybe let a few or maybe gallons of tears fall. 

When I was observing my uncle in the last week, he told me that he was distressed, couldn't sleep anymore and didn't have the appetite to eat. 

One night, he told my cousin and I, what was on his mind, he didn't leave out any details, he was so powerful with his words. The reason he was like how he was, was because his heart was broken. He didn't vaguely say that he was broken, or wounded, but the emotion in his shakey voice was all I heard. After, listening to his misery and torture, makes me feel uneasy, seeing a family member in pain is the worst feeling. Relating to my uncle's pain takes me back to when I was in the same situation. A dark place where no one should ever go, but only visit. 

Multiple times, I think of bad memories and sad moments, where I cringe and beat myself up for thinking of which ever worst memory I had thought of, and I regret it eveytime I think of it. Watching my uncle shows how long that pain will last, whether he puts on a brave face or mope in his room, while singing his heart out to love songs. 

He told me, "It hurts here and all in here fucking hurts." He pointed to his head first then his heart and left his hand there. I wonder what best memory he has of her, 'cause I know what memory comes to mind when I'm feeling down.