You're mind freezes, but time doesn't.

In the last couple of weeks, reflecting on Life whether thinking about the past, the present or the future I have stopped and caught myself re-thinking of the past mostly: what would of happened what could of happened and what actually happened. In a way, I believe it has taken a toll on me, but I've turned out pretty well, so far. I've read a couple of books this past week, books with four-hundred pages or less not to be exact, but you have an idea it has a good amount of pages that it would take an average person weeks and weeks to finish, unless the book is SUPER good. Within, the books that I've read it was about family overall. Breaking it down more in the book I was more focused of how the parents were. In the majority of the books that I've read, the parents lack uninvolved parenting skills. An elephant could rise these children up better than any of these parents ever could in my book. It made me realize how authors write in fiction and the untold stories of how actual parents can abandon their children and their childs basic needs, school and love, just like in the stories. I'm not from the a perfect family, or what is a perfect family?

Catching up on my grandma, its kind of hard to pay attention to what's right in front of you all the time: I see my grandma everyday and my grandma does her very best trying to not step over the "imaginary line" of parenting. But, she is far from the line, however she is further over the imaginary line, almost too close breathing over my shoulders. But then I realize, who else is going to do that. There are moments where stepping over the line is a warning, then there's going over the line too much where it's getting your shit together so she can back off, then there's breathing down my neck where she is staying on my ass about my school work and life, then there's the ability of controlling your decisions where you want to just kill yourself not legitimately, of course.

My relationship with my grandma is kind of bipolar, I could say its mostly her, but she could find this blog read it and kill me after. Actually, she can't work a computer to save her life. I think our communication has gotten better, means that using my out door voice and repeating myself five times is communicating without any hit of attitude in it, so there fer sure is definitely a bond of change going on there. I still haven't gotten to her good side yet. I've been there but not so much of staying on there for a good two weeks. I think her trust in me is not acceptable on her side of the scale, I don't know how adequate I need to be to make it on the list. Still working on our trust, well I am. She is oblivious to trusting. I don't know what it is, and I don't understand how difficult it can be. It's hard to create a trusting bond, where you can't tell or sit and talk about how you feel, and make no effort whatsoever to let me in. You can't drill inside the iceberg you need to have fire to melt it to get to the center. It makes me angry, how I don't have that option for her to talk to some one. I feel like she doesn't understand that talking to you're child and creating a greater love and even bond is something far more important, than thinking highly of yourself and denying your mistakes. I hope in the near future that I will melt the iceberg this year, and not have my grandma as an enemy but as an ally cheering me on the sideline and not on the other half of the field.

WORK CITED 

• Lee Scott, L. "Working Through Your Trust Issue." Life 123 Answers at the speed of life. 15 December 2014. Life 123. 2014.  http://www.life123.com/relationships/issues/signs-bad-relationship/working-through-your-trust-issues.shtml
• Chin, Eleanor. "A Parent's Love: Bonding or Binding?" Positive Psychology News Daily. 15 December 2014. Positive Psychology News Daily. 4 December 2009 http://positivepsychologynews.com/news/eleanor-chin/200902041463

Momma, Hold my hand

For me: first impressions are what I look into mostly. I think first impressions are powerful, either you trust them or you don't. 
In the past week, I met some one and immediately I fell in love with this person, not literally though. He was quite beautiful, not physically. We would make tiny jokes here and there, and once we started talking intensely, he had the power to make me trust him, the way I would trust some one for years and years, but he had black magic that made me want to foolishly lay out on the table. He was so fascinated, eager and almost manipulating. As I tell him everything without leaving any detail out. He gave me one of the best answers that I've never heard of or even believe of thinking of. He didn't give up trying to impress me or himself. He almost felt too comfortable, giving me advice and telling me what he would do in my shoes. He listened and I spoke. Then, I listened and he spoke. I wasn't best at giving my opinions like he would. I think he knew I wasn't as good as he was, yet he still trusted me with his secrets. But, I did the best I could. I told him, I write letters to myself and he said,"well write out your regular letters, and let me have it." 
Until this day, I've never seen him again, and I still haven't written a letter to him. I was so afraid to write for the first time. 

In the week, a close relative and I haven't completely had a full introduction BUT, finally met and sat down and talked. It was one of the best heart felt conversations, I've had and needed. I am telling you first impressions and communication are key when it comes to new faces. Anyways she and I had a conversation about both our families. I told her about my grandma and she told me the same thing about her parents. Hearing the same thing from other people such as, "you're growing up and young: your parents will understand," that same conversation is annoying once you've heard it a thousand times already but, for some reason when she was telling me the exact same story, it was different hearing it coming from her. She said, "You know you're absolutely   right, but what I'm saying is that you need to learn from right and wrong and stop yourself from the bad, and go with the good. When you're older no one will be there to hold your hand and cross the street and tell you which way to go, you need to hold yourself up and tell yourself where will you go and which way you choose to go. It's your choice." When she said that, all I thought about was my grandma and all the times she yelled at me in slow motion. One night, when I went out late, my grandma had a talk with me it wasn't about getting lectured it was about how much she loves me. She doesn't usually say things like that not even on the phone when we hang up. It opened my eyes how much a parents comment or compliment negative or positive changes how you feel overall, its a boost of energy kind of feeling. I've never been happier having a connection with my mama. She gives me strength and I hope I do for her.

Life is a garden, dig it!

I've always felt sorry for October, because right after is Thanksgiving then Christmas, its my favorite time of the year. Amongst the past Christmases and Thanksgivings, I think this year will be different. This year is full of changes and differences, personally. I know its not the end of the year, but I have a feeling that this year will be one of the best years for my family. good vibes 

Recently, my very close cousin were talking about what we want to be when we grow up. We've grown up together ever since, he's like my brother, my twin, and my best friend. It was different for me, just sitting down and talking to each other about life, and life after High School. He's a senior, he told me all his plans for the future, and he also gave me advice to what Senior year will come about. Whenever, I hear him coming over to my house, I first think, 'Oh my god,' almost like a disgust but, right when I see him I am more thrilled than ever. Seeing that he's grown into his own person, I still look at him as we were kids playing in the backyard.
It makes me want to cry how much we both grown. When he graduates, I'll be sure to cry my eyes out. Just thinking about the future for a split second scares me, but it also excites me. When I started to see what growing up truly looks like it is fascinating and almost beautiful. You will never realize the transition until its over. 

In the past month observing my grandma and her mood swings and dramatic changes was an amusing experience to watch, but another person has caught my attention recently. It was my uncle, my grandma's son, my mother's older brother. My uncle is that Uncle Joe in the family, the funny and over-protective uncle, the uncle that always starts the speeches and ends them, an uncle that's always the center of attention. But always has a soft spot, love able and caring. If you don't have an uncle like that in the family, well then I don't know. 
HOWEVER, My Uncle was visiting other families across the country but now has returned, when my Uncle came back he wasn't the loud obnoxious Uncle that I knew, he was calm and was always lost in thought and kept he's thoughts to himself. He always wore his headphones in. I wonder what he's listening to?
I don't know if its me, but when I'm feeling down, I always have the need to sing. Not the kind you do in the shower, but the one where you want to pick the saddest playlist on your ipod and just listen and let your thoughts run deeply, and maybe let a few or maybe gallons of tears fall. 

When I was observing my uncle in the last week, he told me that he was distressed, couldn't sleep anymore and didn't have the appetite to eat. 

One night, he told my cousin and I, what was on his mind, he didn't leave out any details, he was so powerful with his words. The reason he was like how he was, was because his heart was broken. He didn't vaguely say that he was broken, or wounded, but the emotion in his shakey voice was all I heard. After, listening to his misery and torture, makes me feel uneasy, seeing a family member in pain is the worst feeling. Relating to my uncle's pain takes me back to when I was in the same situation. A dark place where no one should ever go, but only visit. 

Multiple times, I think of bad memories and sad moments, where I cringe and beat myself up for thinking of which ever worst memory I had thought of, and I regret it eveytime I think of it. Watching my uncle shows how long that pain will last, whether he puts on a brave face or mope in his room, while singing his heart out to love songs. 

He told me, "It hurts here and all in here fucking hurts." He pointed to his head first then his heart and left his hand there. I wonder what best memory he has of her, 'cause I know what memory comes to mind when I'm feeling down. 

You can never grasp too hard, and you can never grasp too soft.

This entire week was the week of my little sister's birthday, she turned 12, the last age until you hit the teens, she told me, "Bella, I'm not ready to grow up." I looked at her with a 'what-did-you-say' look, she is very mature for her age, so her comment didn't hit me as much as it did. I wondered, why would she be concerned at this point? I told her in all my best knowledge I said, "Don't worry, it's the best part of life." she said, "okay, I guess." With me being the older sister and a female role model for her, except my grandma, is a little nerve racking on my end. Making sure you're making the right decisions in front of her. I know everyone makes mistakes, but my goal is to be a perfect role model for her.

On my end, with having my own struggles of high school and just life in general. If i'm so caught up with my sister and how close we are together, of course i'll be concerned about my grandma on a daily basis. It is just three of us in this household. Observing my grandma within these two months project, seems a little bit like a roller coaster. You can't close your eyes or you'll miss either something beautiful or terrible. Or if you miss one class, you'll be left behind on work. Of course, I'll be with my grandma 24/7, but without any observation or keeping mental notes in my head for my project is a bit of a struggle. I sometimes think that my field notes is like a diary to me, I have to update it every time something ecstatic happens to my grandma or something negative she tells me.
"Well, you know when your stressed out of your damn mind, then there's my grandma. She never listens to what's so important to me. She would honestly miss your Wedding Day if you told her." field notes/Tuesday, 21 October

At my sister's party, I was talking to my very close cousin she is older than I am, she is what i call 'word of the wise', she told me something that changed my perspective in life.  
She said, "Okay, so you grab a hand full of sand in one hand, and if you grasp and squeeze the sand from your palms the sand will escape from your hands, right? Now, when you hold your hand straight and still, there is still sand but, not every ounce of it is there, sand is still falling. Now, when you cup you hands gently and softly, not one sand pebble has escaped it is all still there."
With that said, she said that the sand was representing how much effort you are willing to put into, whether it is in a relationship or friendship it all depends. However, in my case it was how much effort can my grandma put to accepting the fact that I'm in a relationship and still am in the process of growing up. Whether she will control my decisions, or will she carelessly put no effort, or will she support my every decision? 

In hell we enter.

I wanted to personally apologize for the lack of detail in my first post on what I am observing. So, let's get to it. Based on my observations I will be observing my grandma, she is in fact, "The Asian Lady" A wonderful old lady she is, I believe she is 65 years of age? I think, anyways, there is nothing wrong with her for me to be having a close-up observation on her. For more detail, I do in fact live with her, she has been living with me all my life a more Mother-like figure for my little sister and I. She is just an important person to me that I would like to watch as her behavior and her knowledge grows or dies down as she grows old. I know, that sounds horrible but within my first weeks of observation, I have noticed dramatic changes quickly. 

The Beginning

I realized in the first week of my observations is that she doesn't have any friends to hang out with it or to keep company. Its very lonely to watch. Family will always be the first priority for her and for everyone else, of course. 

I know when we grow much and much older we become clueless and how the brain starts to function childlike and repetition of their past experience as a child has come up to the dinner table with the phrase starting with "when I was a kid..." Furthermore, half the time she is angry screaming and roaring , like a dragon smashing buildings with fire coming from its mouth. I was mostly focus when I broke the news to her of my very first boyfriend, it feels as if the alarms in her brain have turned on to over drive. On a final note, she is very family oriented, old age has hit her with speaking of the past and childlike behaviors, and finally breaking the ice to your parents of first relationships.